Artemis Fowl Review from a Mom’s POV

I don’t usually write movie reviews but I’m a mom, so I watch A LOT of kids movies. Or should I say I suffer through a lot of kids movies because, let’s face it, sometimes kids movies can feel like torture. I’m going to be honest though, I was looking forward to Artmetis Fowl and after months of eager anticipation, it finally dropped on Disney+.

My daughter and I read novels together in the mornings over tea and coffee. We read stories about magic, witches, dragons, gods…you see where I’m going with this, we love folklore, fairytales, and fantasy!

Artemis Fowl is a 12-year-old “criminal mastermind” from a family of criminal geniuses, in a world where fairies exist. Honestly that’s all I needed to know to pick up the series!

We haven’t started reading the Artemis Fowl books yet, but it seemed that Artemis Fowl had everything needed for an amazing movie: action, adventure, mystery, intrigue, magic. Seriously, what more could a girl ask for? Turns out a lot!

Solid storytelling, a grasp of the Hero’s Journey maybe. The movie was littered with holes and still it somehow felt as if they tried to cram too much into one film, sacrificing necessary backstory and character development in the process.

During the course of the movie I found myself constantly asking questions about the characters, the story, their world. LITERALLY EVERYTHING!

Although Collin Farrell was excellent in the movie as Artemis Fowl Sr, they did little to convince us of his legacy as a mastermind thief.

When news media breaks that Artemis Sr. might be a thief, they don’t give us any indication why authorities suddenly suspect him. The news coverage is supposed to be the inciting incident but we aren’t given much information on how it came to be.

Butler seems to be a butler but doesn’t want to be called a butler? The movie goes into great detail about his “training,” implying he’s more of a bodyguard, but exactly who is he supposed to be guarding? Artemis Sr. travels without him and Artemis Jr. runs all over without him. Is he supposed to be guarding the house? If so, why are there NO SECURITY MEASURES AT ALL? I’m supposed to believe that centuries of dangerous artifacts are stored in a home with no security measures, magic or otherwise?

Josh Gad saves this movie as Mulch Diggums, a comic and lovable gigantic dwarf thief that just wants to be little, like a regular dwarf. Although Gad finds it challenging to maintain the scratchy, husky voice of his character throughout the length of the movie, he’s so good, I kind of don’t care!

“It was okay, but I’m confused.”

Side notes: Can someone explain to me why the goblins are all wearing link chain necklaces…in prison? And why is Butler’s niece even in this movie? She added ZERO to the story.

How did Artemis and the fairy he kidnaps, Holly Short, develop this bond the movie tries to make mysteriously appear?

And how was Artemis able to call the villain Opal back? Were we supposed to be shocked, because it seemed like he just *69’d her. No “mastermind” needed.

The movie lacked a true ordeal in my opinion as well. It wasn’t until the disappointing ending that I realized the fight with the troll was supposed to be the supreme ordeal. I originally thought it was simply an obstacle. That was a let down.

The biggest problem was Artemis Fowl himself. I don’t get Mastermind from him. Nothing in the film supports this claim.

Clever? Maybe. Mastermind? No.

Perhaps its just lackluster acting on the part of Ferdia Shaw but the character seems like a psychopath (a personality disorder characterized by persistent antisocial behavior and egotistical traits) as well as a sociopath (a personality disorder characterized by a disregard for the rights of others as well as a history of crime). Perhaps this was intentional, as we see him meeting with a therapist, but the scene misses the mark in even implying he’s a narcissist.

Or like I said…it could just be bad acting.

The Artemis Fowl movie was a disappointment for sure (I will still be reading the books!) but it’s still worth a watch. Look, our standards on what’s “watchable” are pretty low right now. We’ve been in quarantine for three months and have watched EVERYTHING. So, it’s watchable. You won’t feel like you wasted two hours of your life. Just don’t go into it with high expectations and you might have the same response as my 12-year-old, “It was okay, but I’m confused.”